Welcome back to the cafe!  I hope you had a wonderful holiday season and that you were able to enjoy family, friends, fun traditions and all that such a special time of year has to offer.  Now that the holidays have past I hope you are relaxed and rested.

I have been thinking a lot about community lately and what that means for us as women.  Regardless of our marital status or the number of kids we do (or don't) have all of us need the support and encouragement of one another.  But how do we build community?  How do we find and nurture friendships?

This is one of those posts where I get to use a sappy and cute picture.

To answer some of these questions I went to a friend of mine, Rebecca Nordyke.  I met Rebecca many years ago when we worked at the same church.  She was a big-wig.  I was a peon.  But over time and with the help of Facebook we have become good friends.  I admire Rebecca immensely and I am proud to call her my friend.  How I ended up with real, honest-to-goodness cheerleader in my inner circle.....REALLY?.......is beyond me, but I am glad that God knows what I need in a friend and sent me Rebecca.  So here is what she has to say.  It's some good stuff I tell ya.

Community is such an important part of our lives. God created us to live in it with one another, to share our lives with each other. Community isn't just having someone to spend time with every night of your week or having a ton of followers on Twitter or friends on Facebook. True community comes from deep relationships that are intentionally selected and nurtured. They are fed and watered just like any living thing.

I am an extrovert and I have a talent for making friends easily. Some say that I could talk to a tree and make friends with it. While I do like having lots of relationships in my life and it does come easily for me, the true fulfillment comes in those relationships that are deep and sustaining. Anyone, introvert or extrovert can surround themselves with people. It is a deep connection to another person that is most important.

Building relationships can be fun but it can be a lot of work. You kind of have to put yourself out there. If you are not a people person, that is HARD! I believe the best way to find people to be in relationship with is by BEING AUTHENTIC. If you aren't yourself, you are building on quick sand. There is so much that is fake in our society today. Authenticity is refreshing.

Be yourself. Don't be afraid to celebrate your good days while also being ok with saying, “Not great.” when asked how you are doing. I am not saying you need to spill all your dirty laundry with people you are just forming relationships with but it is valuable to let others in and get to know you...even the yucky parts. That is where true friendship begins. Everyone has their crap and it can bond two people together to see that they are not alone in those areas of their lives.

Next, when you are building your close circle of friends, you need to BE PICKY. I am not saying that every person you let into your life needs to be Grade A quality: just those whom you let closest to you. The people closest to you will largely help shape the direction your life takes. Choose them wisely.

Everyone has different needs. Some may want only one really close friend while others, like myself, may have 5 or 6. I think having a close friend, “bestie” or “BFF” that is different from you and can challenge you is a major plus. For example, I am a strong person. I am full of words, opinions, rants, you name it. Many women find that intimidating in a friendship and would find it hard to speak their mind. So, for that reason, the people I choose to keep near me are all strong women who have NO problem speaking their mind to me and putting me in my place. I need that. I don't want friends to tell me what I want to hear. I want friends that tell me what I need to hear. It is so rewarding – not in the moment necessarily- but after the fact. It is easy to say you want this in a relationship but it is another thing to live it out. However, once that intimacy and love is there, as a foundation, it makes it easier to hear the hard stuff.

My circle of friends is diverse. They are like me in some ways and not in others. Jaemi and I like to do girly things together like shop, talk fashion, sewing, home decorating, etc. Then you flip the coin and look at our politics, our schedules and to a degree, our child rearing and we are pretty different. With Krista, I love to talk about digging deep into scripture, parenting and food and wine. Yet she loves and appreciates the outdoors, cooking organic and letting boys bring bugs in the house. I, well, I do not. Then there is Christina. We could talk for days about cheerleading, family, people, our favorite TV shows, God's instruction in our lives and how to apply it in areas we don't want to, the list goes on. We are totally different in how we run our house, she hates to shop and be domestic and I love it.

I love the balance that these women bring to my life. While we have similarities and differences. The most important thing is that God is at the center. These women always point me toward Jesus when it matters.

Once you have a friendship in place and it is something you want to keep, you have to take care of it. There really isn't any way around this. If you don't care for it, it eventually will die. It may take a long time but it will happen.

I have a couple of friends who, self admittedly, suck at being a friend. They are not the type to call, write, send gifts, stay in touch, etc. Their heart is in the friendship but they don't ever get around to following up with it. My advice in caring for a relationship is to treat it like another person. It needs to be loved and fed and cleaned and generally cared for - regularly. It can be overwhelming if this isn't your area of gifting, but everyone can do it. I would suggest the following:

BE REALISTIC. Don't set yourself up for failure. If you can't handle 5 close relationships, maybe you need to pick two to pour into. The other three can still be great, they will just receive less of your effort. Have realistic expectations of the other person as well. If you know them well, you will know their shortcomings and not place high expectations on them in that area. My friend Krista is amazing, yet our time together is so limited. We are both busy. She isn't super great at staying in touch. I don't place high expectations there because I know when we do touch base it will be awesome.

BE SIMPLE. Friendship doesn't have to be hard or complicated. You may have the resources to buy extravagant gifts and that is awesome but not necessary when it comes to the heart relationship. It is the small things in life that often mean the most. Does your best friend love junior mints? Mine does. If you are standing at the check out line and see them and think of her, buy them and give them to her. It may be the next time you see her or you may have time to run them to her right then and there. Either way, it is simple but it shows that you know her, love her and were thinking of her.

If something really matters to us, we make time for it, right? We all lead busy lives but our busy and full lives can be even richer if we are fostering those close relationships. If you think of your best friend out of the blue,or because you saw something that reminded you of her, pick up the phone and call.

We live in a day and age where this is so easy to do. Maybe you can't call but could you text? Could you shut down that document you are working on and tweet to her real quick? It doesn't take long to let someone know you care and the change it puts in their friendship bank with you is big.

BE INTENTIONAL. Most of us ladies are busy and out and about a lot. Many of us are running a home, a family, schedules, meal plans, school work, social lives, work...the list goes on. My encouragement to you is that there is room to make time for your relationship to continue to grow and be strong. Do you need to schedule in time? Maybe it is sporadic or maybe it is regular. Time with friends is critical. Our busy lives make it easy to cancel and push things back. Don't do it in this area.

One way I like to be intentional is with cards. Who sends snail mail anymore? Other than Christmas cards, it is pretty rare. However, when you get a card in the mail, doesn't it make you feel awesome? When I have a little extra time and cash I like to look through all the friendship and blank inside cards at the store and I buy a few that fit my closest girls. Then, periodically throughout the year I pop one in the mail to let them know I was thinking of them. Very little time, effort and cost but a lot of intentionality. Honestly, if money is an issue, you can use a piece of printer paper and just write a quick note. The sentiment will be the same.

In closing, remember that community is important. If it isn't a value for you now, I encourage you to pray about it. Ask God to bring you the right people. Be selective and be authentic. Take care of those relationships by being simply intentional. You will reap great rewards if you just put your thoughts into actions!